When All Else Fails
by AriaAdagio
Summary: Schanke wakes up to another normal day in the life of a happily married man. Or, maybe not...


WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS  
  
Well, I was sitting at my computer trying to get up the   
resolve to start doing actual work, when this situation   
struck me... It's weird, very weird. It's not beta read   
either, so be warned. Oh yeah, standard disclaimers apply,   
the characters aren't mine (except for Kelly and John),   
although I seriously wish they were :) Permission to   
archive at the ftp site and at fkfanfic.com, all others   
please ask.   
  
WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS  
  
"Kelly! Kelly, we've got a _serious_ problem!" he screamed   
as he ran down the long hallway of the cluttered offices,   
sweat streaming down his face.  
  
Kelly looked up from her computer the second he appeared,   
huffing at her door. "What is it, John?" she asked with a   
worried frown as she brushed her silky blond hair to the   
side with a flit of her hand.   
  
"Well, I hate to blame this on the fact that I'm new at this   
and all, but I've done something... terrible..." John said,   
frantically, his breath catching in his throat as he looked   
down at the thick manuscript.   
  
"Let me take a look, John. You couldn't have possibly made   
such a large error that it can't be fixed..." Kelly grabbed   
the manuscript from her worried, brown-haired partner and   
read it over, her eyes darting left to right as she read it,   
mumbling the words under her breath. "Oh, my..." she said   
as she realized the full extent of the damage that'd been   
done.  
  
"You see?" he said, practically hopping up and down on his  
feet. "What should I do?! I've already sent it to the   
producers, it's being filmed as we speak!"   
  
Kelly looked at John with wide eyes. This was not good at   
all. Not good at all! "Maybe..." she began, "maybe the   
fans won't notice..."   
  
John gave her a frown. Like Hell they wouldn't...  
  
*****  
  
Schanke shot awake. What an odd nightmare... "Myra, honey,   
you wouldn't believe the dream I just..." his voice trailed   
off as he looked to his left and saw that she was not in   
the bed with him. He grumbled quietly, too riddled with   
sleep to really worry about it.   
  
He got up and padded down the stairs, his black silk pajamas   
hanging loosely off his thin, muscular form. God, he was   
hungry. Really hungry.   
  
He flung open the refrigerator door and immediately covered   
his eyes, the bright light bringing tears. He absently   
rubbed the wet, red tears from his eyes with his hands as   
he backed away from the refrigerator to recover. Wait...   
red tears?   
  
Schanke looked at his hands. There was blood all over his   
hands. His eyes were bleeding! He ran frantically over to   
the paper towels resting by the sink and wiped his eyes off,   
washing his hands as well. This was odd... His eyes didn't   
hurt at all, except for when he'd been shocked by that   
bright light. Touching a finger experimentally back to his   
eye, he tested to see if he was still bleeding. But his   
hands came back clean. Gosh, that had been bizarre!  
  
He walked back to the fridge, squinting with caution as he   
opened it again. Thankfully, he was not greeted with the   
same pain as before, but he was greeted with shock. All   
that was in his fridge were half a dozen bottles of red   
wine.   
  
What??? He glanced around frantically, and realized that   
he wasn't even at home. He was at Nick's loft. How had he   
gotten here? He didn't remember bunking with Nick last   
night... Holy... get a load of... He stared down at the   
black silk pajamas that adorned him. They were strangely...   
smooth! He'd always been a flannel and boxers guy himself,   
but this was rather nice...  
  
Hearing a metallic cranking noise echoing through the loft,   
he looked over in time to see the lift door being slid   
aside. Nat stepped out of the loft casually carrying a bag   
of groceries. Schanke snorted. Just friends his ass...   
Nat was just dropping by at Nick's randomly with   
_groceries_. If that wasn't a romantic overture, he didn't   
know what was.   
  
She looked over at him and smiled almost instantly. "Nick!   
I didn't think that you'd be up yet!" she ran to him and   
gave him a platonic peck on the cheek. Woah... Schanke   
stepped back and looked at her confused. Had she called him   
Nick?  
  
In response to his odd gaze, Nat just looked down at herself   
and then looked back at him. "What, do I have strawberry   
seeds in my teeth or something?" she asked incredulously.   
Schanke just stared at her with confusion.   
  
"Jeez, Nick. You really should get more sleep if getting up   
this early makes you this... weird... Anyway," she said as   
she went and set the grocery bag down on the counter, "try   
this protein shake out. I added a special ingredient. You   
might like it..."  
  
Schanke looked down at himself. He was in Nick's black   
pajamas. He had been sleeping in Nick's bed. Reaching a   
hand to his forehead, he found that he actually had a   
normal hairline... Hell, he was even thin (from what he   
could see of himself). What???   
  
He looked at the protein shake now sitting on the counter   
next to the grocery bag. Gosh, he was really hungry...   
Remembering the strange contents of the fridge, he decided   
to play along, either until Nat told him that this was all   
some crazy joke, or until he decided that it was him still   
having some wacky nightmare...  
  
Grasping the drink, he brought it to his lips and was   
immediately repulsed. It smelled terrible, and the first   
drop that hit his tongue made him want to puke. He gagged   
and spit the awful stuff into the sink with a look of   
disgust. "Jeez, Nat. What is _IN_ this!?" he cried,   
trying desperately to wash the taste out of his mouth with   
a steady stream of water from the faucet. If this is what   
Nick regularly ate, he really pitied the guy...  
  
Nat looked down at the floor, dejected. "I'm sorry, Nick.   
I thought you'd like this one..." she said sadly, and it   
broke Schanke's heart. He hadn't meant to hurt her   
feelings.   
  
"Aw, jeez, Nat. I'm sorry. Maybe I just overreacted. Let   
me try it again..." Schanke smiled at her, and Nat smiled   
hesitantly back. Squeezing his eyes shut, he raised the   
glass to his lips and chugged the whole thing down. Hey,   
at least it wouldn't kill him...  
  
Or maybe it would. He felt like there was a brick sitting   
in his stomach, and Nat's happy smile did nothing to cure   
the feeling. Schanke looked up at her, feeling weak in the   
knees from the awful concoction. His vision turned a   
strange amber color... "Um, Nat... You'll have to excuse   
me..." he said, terrified. What was going _on_!?   
  
He fled back up to the bedroom and into the bathroom. The   
brick in his stomach was slowly becoming quite active...   
He leaned over the toilet and vomited until the very last of   
his meal was no longer in his stomach. Hell, he felt   
absolutely awful.   
  
Schanke groaned as he sat up on his haunches, wiping his   
mouth with the right sleeve of his pajama top. Finally   
becoming confident enough to stand up, he was shocked out of   
his mind as he saw the figure in the mirror staring back at   
him. Nick. My god, he was Nick. An awful monster Nick,   
with fangs and yellow eyes, but Nick all the same...   
Without further ado, Schanke fainted dead to the ground,   
barely hearing Nat come racing to his side as the blackness   
enveloped him.  
  
*****  
  
"Kelly!!! Look at section 402 of the Writer's Guide!" John   
said excitedly as he pointed to the small section of text.   
  
Kelly read the words carefully, her eyes growing wider as   
she realized just how they could fix this awful mistake...   
  
*****  
  
Schanke shot awake. What an odd nightmare... "Myra, honey,   
you wouldn't believe the dream I just..." Wait... why was   
he on the couch?   
  
"Donny, honey, are you all right? You gave me such a   
scare...." Schanke looked up into the loving eyes of his   
wife as she slowly stepped into the room.  
  
"Huh?" he asked, genuinely confused.   
  
Myra looked concerned. "You don't remember anything? You   
really must've been delirious..." she trailed off.   
  
"What happened?" he asked. This was just too weird...  
  
"Oh it was nothing. You got up and practically freaked out   
when I opened the blinds... It took me about ten minutes to   
coax you out from behind the bed... And the when I brought   
you down for breakfast and gave you your favorite, sausage   
and eggs, you fainted..."  
  
"Well I... Wait, I did?"   
  
Myra nodded. "Well, I suppose we're all prone to bouts of   
insanity... I'm just glad yours only lasted for twenty   
minutes!"   
  
Schanke just nodded and smiled. He'd learned a long time   
ago that when you don't understand what a woman is saying,   
it's always appropriate to nod and smile... Just nod and   
smile...  
  
*****  
  
Nick shot awake. What an odd nightmare... "Nick! You're   
ok!" Nat's frantic voice called out. It was then that he   
realized he was lying on the cold floor of his bathroom...  
  
"Huh?" he asked, genuinely confused.  
  
"Oh, Nick! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you drink that   
protein shake... I didn't know it would make you that   
sick..."  
  
"What?"  
  
"The protein shake that I just had you drink! Ohmygod, you   
have amnesia too?"  
  
"Shhh, Nat, it's all right. I'm ok now..." he said, trying   
not to let his voice betray his confusion.  
  
She looked up at him with tear-filled eyes. "Are you sure?"   
she asked, her voice hopeful.  
  
Nick just nodded and smiled. He'd learned a long time   
ago that when you don't understand what a woman is saying,   
it's always appropriate to nod and smile... Just nod and   
smile...  
  
*****  
  
Section 402 - Writer's Guide  
Should the writers of a popular show be dumb enough to write   
an episode that makes no sense within the context of the   
show, it may always be passed as temporary insanity or a   
nightmare. This makes it seem logical to the fans in most   
circumstances, and is the least confusing way out of the   
said mishap.  
  
THE END (Told you it was weird!)  



End file.
